The 24 Hr Lesson

You know how they say that "you have to crawl before you walk"? Or that "you will fall many times before you learn to stand"? Or how about "when life knocks you down you get back up"?

Any of those seem familiar?

Well i feel like i just went through a 24 hour lesson in life.

After playing the back and forth game all week long, and convincing myself that i had quit smoking (since i hadn't bought any cigarettes because seriously you cant count a cigarette unless you actually bought it with you own money right? No?), I finally broke! Chels and I split a pack of cigs with the intention of starting fresh, again. So yesterday around 4 she brought me my half (10 cigs) and i immediately lit up. And it tasted goooooood. So good in fact that i smoked half of them last night.

Now i make no excuses here for my actions but from 4 to 11 i smoked 5 cigs. And honestly i enjoyed it. I kept thinking to myself why am i quitting in the first place? I love this!

Then today showed me the ugly truth. I woke up this morning and grinned! I have cigs my brain screamed!!!! YAY! So i jumped out of bed got some coffee and went to smoke. At first it was good then it was bad, and as the day went on it got worse.

I will save you the gory details but by the 3:30 i still had 3 cigs and 0 stomach content. So i tore up the remaining cigs and flushed them. My stomach did the happy dance.

I have not felt this sick in a really long time. My stomach (even now after 1.5 hrs with no cigs) still feels like ocean waves, and my head feels like a jack hammer is doing its job all over my skull.

I have been shaking all day. Like full on tremors shaking and felt dizzy on and off.

I don't ever remember smoking making me feel this crappy, but then maybe that was because i was use to feeling this crappy.

I'm still not sure if i am actually sick or just syking myself out but either way i am done.

I refuse to feel like this ever again. I fell down but i am getting back up and learning from my mistake.

There will not be any buying, bumming, or "just a hit". I will not indulge my fears of "what will i do without smoking". I will be stronger then my addiction.

I have survived a hell of a lot in my life and i will not allow cigarettes to be the death of me.

So here we go:

Day 1...Take 2!

~Courtney~