What the fuck? Whoever on this planet decided to start up this fucking smoke train.... I say fuck you! I also say fuck you to my 13 year old self.
Yea me at 13 just smoking away, like it was cute looking like a goldfish outta water, with no regard to my almost 30 year old self going through withdrawal. Yea 13 year old Chelsie thought she was cool. I was so cool smoking Newports that I didn't even keep them in the sturdy little carton they came in, I threw them in a bag. Piles of cigarettes to be smoked recklessly.
Fast forward to today. Today was tough. I wanted a cigarette so bad. I could of ripped the throat out of any passerby today. Ripped out a throat and rolled it up and smoked it. It was hard. I found my eyes scanning the parking lot hoping someone had dropped one and been to damn lazy to pick it up. Or hell I would have been happy if someone had flipped on before it was ready, the cherry fell off, left half a cigarette and it was waiting for me in the parking lot..... What in the holy high rolling fuck am I talking about? Is this what I have been reduced to? Smoking half a cigarette that was previously smoked by who knows who? Yea I'm not above it. Are you kidding?
I walked by a guy today smoking. Well rather I walked right through his smoke cloud. His delicious smelling smoke cloud hit me right in the lungs. I felt like a fucking heroin addict. I wanted cry, laugh, inhale all at the same time. I wanted to shit on myself, my brain jumped right out of my skull and started smashing itself against the concrete. That inner voice of mine.... She sat there and laughed, just smoking and laughing. Then the bitch put her cigarette right out in my smashed brain.
I came back to reality.
It's only been 4 days since I quit and it feels like 10 mins. I feels fake, like I'm just playing a sick game with my mind.
Food....
Hand to mouth stops my craving. Yeah, my intelligent side says eat fruits and veggies when you crave. But reality says, bitch eat the peanut butter! Stick your finger into the jar for the 6th time. No ones watching!
I have been doing really well, staying under 1200 calories a day! Watching my sugar and carb intake. No fast food, no junk food, no sweets (well except peanut butter). Nothing but water. Portioning out everything. More fruits and veggies that anything. Switched to wheat pasta and substitute egg noodles where I can.
Today I fell off....... I fell off 2 ways.....
One I had fast food, only a sandwich. 2nd fail today was when I pulled around the corner and realized the Golden Arches line was 30 cars deep.... I whipped my tiny little hybrid right into Chik-fil-a's line. Yes my anti waffle fry friends. I caved. I ate a delicious chicken sandwich made with hate. I am sorry. And if it makes you feel any better I was in full regret mode when I realized it was 440 calories. If it doesn't make you feel better.....well fuck you then.
I have 3 hours until day 5.....
I may not make it
Chelsie
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