Day ??? ~ Courtney

I suck at life!

No seriously I suck at will power!

The diet...I'm doin great! I'm keeping my calorie count and getting my exercise. I feel good about the diet!

The no smoking...yea lets just say I'm a weak fool!

I keep letting that little devil nicotine win! I bough a pack of cigs Sunday and today (Tuesday) I will finish that pack. I keep telling myself that one pack in 3 days in better then the pack and a half I was smoking but it still isn't what I set out to do.

When I finish this pack I WILL NOT buy another. I have instructed my husband not to let me leave the house till at least Sunday. The last time I left the house I bought cigs like a crack fiend. Sneaking around, paranoid that someone would see me and report back to the others.

So I'm on lock down. I have 6 cigs left and if it kills me tomorrow I will start over again and not smoke another one.

The worst part is I feel like I let Chels down. She is 3 days smoke free and here I am puffing away. Maybe it isn't that I feel like I let her down but that I feel left behind or like a failure.

I hate failing at anything which is why I often avoid taking on a new challenge all together. Failure is the little devil that makes me give up my hopes and dreams.

I want to be smoke free! I want to spend more time with my kids and less time alone feeding my addiction. I want to taste food the way it should taste and smell aromas the way they are meant to be smelled. Most of all I want to be able to say that I am NOT a smoker.

I though by having someone push me it would be better but I guess what I've learned is that I have to push myself. I keep telling my husband I can't change his diet for him he has to want to and I guess I need to tell myself the same thing.

No one can make me quit smoking but me. I have to quit making excuses an quit lying to myself. I have to be stronger and give myself time to succeed.

I can do this! I will do this! I just gotta keep telling myself that.