Today is a rough day.
I want a cigarette sooooooooo bad! I'm not really sure why. There is no stress, there is no trigger being pulled that hasn't already been pulled in the last 5 days.
Maybe I'm just bored, maybe I'm just weak, maybe the little bitch ass nicotine devil in the back of my brain has just whispered one word to many.
Logically i know i don't want to smoke. I don't want to spend 10 minutes inhaling chemicals that will leave me sick and feigning. But that little devil, oh she is tricky!
She constantly is sending me a stream of messages. Taunting me! Telling me lies!
Lies like: "You don't really wanna quit", "You aren't ready", "You enjoy smoking", "Why deprive yourself of something you love", "You weren't spending that much money", "You could smoke just a few a day and be fine", and possibly the biggest of all, "You only live once why not just enjoy it instead of being miserable".
I know that these are lies, but when you are in the grips of a nicotine withdraw attack they sound perfectly logical and even quite intelligent. Then i try to reason with my own brain and tell her to shut up.
Some times this works but most often i just feel even more pathetic. Why does this have to be so damn hard. It isn't even about the cigarette itself. Its symbolic of the real problem.
Yes i am addicted to the nicotine but honestly i am addicted to the action of smoking. The alone time that it got me. The quiet time it got me. The stolen moments of relaxation. The fact that it was like a best friend who has been there for me through it all.
For 13 years cigarettes have been my best friend. Through my grandma's death, my mom's death, lost friendships, break ups, make ups, hard times, good times, celebrations, parties, and yes even quiet moments of relaxation. They were ever present and ready to hold my hand through it all.
So whats the problem? Why must i quit? Why cant this relationship just go on if its so good?
Because this relationship is like an abusive relationship. Cigarettes are literally killing me. They are beating me to a pulp and i am the abused spouse that is making excuses why i cant leave. Part of me wants to continue to make excuses until the day that the abuse goes to far and kills me, but the intelligent part of me knows that for my sake and my family's sake i have to let this relationship go.
But its hard! Its really hard! Some days are harder then others and today is a hard day.
~Courtney~
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