Monday, February 18, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The 24 Hr Lesson
You know how they say that "you have to crawl before you walk"? Or that "you will fall many times before you learn to stand"? Or how about "when life knocks you down you get back up"?
Any of those seem familiar?
Well i feel like i just went through a 24 hour lesson in life.
After playing the back and forth game all week long, and convincing myself that i had quit smoking (since i hadn't bought any cigarettes because seriously you cant count a cigarette unless you actually bought it with you own money right? No?), I finally broke! Chels and I split a pack of cigs with the intention of starting fresh, again. So yesterday around 4 she brought me my half (10 cigs) and i immediately lit up. And it tasted goooooood. So good in fact that i smoked half of them last night.
Now i make no excuses here for my actions but from 4 to 11 i smoked 5 cigs. And honestly i enjoyed it. I kept thinking to myself why am i quitting in the first place? I love this!
Then today showed me the ugly truth. I woke up this morning and grinned! I have cigs my brain screamed!!!! YAY! So i jumped out of bed got some coffee and went to smoke. At first it was good then it was bad, and as the day went on it got worse.
I will save you the gory details but by the 3:30 i still had 3 cigs and 0 stomach content. So i tore up the remaining cigs and flushed them. My stomach did the happy dance.
I have not felt this sick in a really long time. My stomach (even now after 1.5 hrs with no cigs) still feels like ocean waves, and my head feels like a jack hammer is doing its job all over my skull.
I have been shaking all day. Like full on tremors shaking and felt dizzy on and off.
I don't ever remember smoking making me feel this crappy, but then maybe that was because i was use to feeling this crappy.
I'm still not sure if i am actually sick or just syking myself out but either way i am done.
I refuse to feel like this ever again. I fell down but i am getting back up and learning from my mistake.
There will not be any buying, bumming, or "just a hit". I will not indulge my fears of "what will i do without smoking". I will be stronger then my addiction.
I have survived a hell of a lot in my life and i will not allow cigarettes to be the death of me.
So here we go:
Day 1...Take 2!
~Courtney~
Any of those seem familiar?
Well i feel like i just went through a 24 hour lesson in life.
After playing the back and forth game all week long, and convincing myself that i had quit smoking (since i hadn't bought any cigarettes because seriously you cant count a cigarette unless you actually bought it with you own money right? No?), I finally broke! Chels and I split a pack of cigs with the intention of starting fresh, again. So yesterday around 4 she brought me my half (10 cigs) and i immediately lit up. And it tasted goooooood. So good in fact that i smoked half of them last night.
Now i make no excuses here for my actions but from 4 to 11 i smoked 5 cigs. And honestly i enjoyed it. I kept thinking to myself why am i quitting in the first place? I love this!
Then today showed me the ugly truth. I woke up this morning and grinned! I have cigs my brain screamed!!!! YAY! So i jumped out of bed got some coffee and went to smoke. At first it was good then it was bad, and as the day went on it got worse.
I will save you the gory details but by the 3:30 i still had 3 cigs and 0 stomach content. So i tore up the remaining cigs and flushed them. My stomach did the happy dance.
I have not felt this sick in a really long time. My stomach (even now after 1.5 hrs with no cigs) still feels like ocean waves, and my head feels like a jack hammer is doing its job all over my skull.
I have been shaking all day. Like full on tremors shaking and felt dizzy on and off.
I don't ever remember smoking making me feel this crappy, but then maybe that was because i was use to feeling this crappy.
I'm still not sure if i am actually sick or just syking myself out but either way i am done.
I refuse to feel like this ever again. I fell down but i am getting back up and learning from my mistake.
There will not be any buying, bumming, or "just a hit". I will not indulge my fears of "what will i do without smoking". I will be stronger then my addiction.
I have survived a hell of a lot in my life and i will not allow cigarettes to be the death of me.
So here we go:
Day 1...Take 2!
~Courtney~
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sigh...The Little Devil Within
Today is a rough day.
I want a cigarette sooooooooo bad! I'm not really sure why. There is no stress, there is no trigger being pulled that hasn't already been pulled in the last 5 days.
Maybe I'm just bored, maybe I'm just weak, maybe the little bitch ass nicotine devil in the back of my brain has just whispered one word to many.
Logically i know i don't want to smoke. I don't want to spend 10 minutes inhaling chemicals that will leave me sick and feigning. But that little devil, oh she is tricky!
She constantly is sending me a stream of messages. Taunting me! Telling me lies!
Lies like: "You don't really wanna quit", "You aren't ready", "You enjoy smoking", "Why deprive yourself of something you love", "You weren't spending that much money", "You could smoke just a few a day and be fine", and possibly the biggest of all, "You only live once why not just enjoy it instead of being miserable".
I know that these are lies, but when you are in the grips of a nicotine withdraw attack they sound perfectly logical and even quite intelligent. Then i try to reason with my own brain and tell her to shut up.
Some times this works but most often i just feel even more pathetic. Why does this have to be so damn hard. It isn't even about the cigarette itself. Its symbolic of the real problem.
Yes i am addicted to the nicotine but honestly i am addicted to the action of smoking. The alone time that it got me. The quiet time it got me. The stolen moments of relaxation. The fact that it was like a best friend who has been there for me through it all.
For 13 years cigarettes have been my best friend. Through my grandma's death, my mom's death, lost friendships, break ups, make ups, hard times, good times, celebrations, parties, and yes even quiet moments of relaxation. They were ever present and ready to hold my hand through it all.
So whats the problem? Why must i quit? Why cant this relationship just go on if its so good?
Because this relationship is like an abusive relationship. Cigarettes are literally killing me. They are beating me to a pulp and i am the abused spouse that is making excuses why i cant leave. Part of me wants to continue to make excuses until the day that the abuse goes to far and kills me, but the intelligent part of me knows that for my sake and my family's sake i have to let this relationship go.
But its hard! Its really hard! Some days are harder then others and today is a hard day.
~Courtney~
I want a cigarette sooooooooo bad! I'm not really sure why. There is no stress, there is no trigger being pulled that hasn't already been pulled in the last 5 days.
Maybe I'm just bored, maybe I'm just weak, maybe the little bitch ass nicotine devil in the back of my brain has just whispered one word to many.
Logically i know i don't want to smoke. I don't want to spend 10 minutes inhaling chemicals that will leave me sick and feigning. But that little devil, oh she is tricky!
She constantly is sending me a stream of messages. Taunting me! Telling me lies!
Lies like: "You don't really wanna quit", "You aren't ready", "You enjoy smoking", "Why deprive yourself of something you love", "You weren't spending that much money", "You could smoke just a few a day and be fine", and possibly the biggest of all, "You only live once why not just enjoy it instead of being miserable".
I know that these are lies, but when you are in the grips of a nicotine withdraw attack they sound perfectly logical and even quite intelligent. Then i try to reason with my own brain and tell her to shut up.
Some times this works but most often i just feel even more pathetic. Why does this have to be so damn hard. It isn't even about the cigarette itself. Its symbolic of the real problem.
Yes i am addicted to the nicotine but honestly i am addicted to the action of smoking. The alone time that it got me. The quiet time it got me. The stolen moments of relaxation. The fact that it was like a best friend who has been there for me through it all.
For 13 years cigarettes have been my best friend. Through my grandma's death, my mom's death, lost friendships, break ups, make ups, hard times, good times, celebrations, parties, and yes even quiet moments of relaxation. They were ever present and ready to hold my hand through it all.
So whats the problem? Why must i quit? Why cant this relationship just go on if its so good?
Because this relationship is like an abusive relationship. Cigarettes are literally killing me. They are beating me to a pulp and i am the abused spouse that is making excuses why i cant leave. Part of me wants to continue to make excuses until the day that the abuse goes to far and kills me, but the intelligent part of me knows that for my sake and my family's sake i have to let this relationship go.
But its hard! Its really hard! Some days are harder then others and today is a hard day.
~Courtney~
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
4 days 21 hours 4 mins...
What the fuck? Whoever on this planet decided to start up this fucking smoke train.... I say fuck you! I also say fuck you to my 13 year old self.
Yea me at 13 just smoking away, like it was cute looking like a goldfish outta water, with no regard to my almost 30 year old self going through withdrawal. Yea 13 year old Chelsie thought she was cool. I was so cool smoking Newports that I didn't even keep them in the sturdy little carton they came in, I threw them in a bag. Piles of cigarettes to be smoked recklessly.
Fast forward to today. Today was tough. I wanted a cigarette so bad. I could of ripped the throat out of any passerby today. Ripped out a throat and rolled it up and smoked it. It was hard. I found my eyes scanning the parking lot hoping someone had dropped one and been to damn lazy to pick it up. Or hell I would have been happy if someone had flipped on before it was ready, the cherry fell off, left half a cigarette and it was waiting for me in the parking lot..... What in the holy high rolling fuck am I talking about? Is this what I have been reduced to? Smoking half a cigarette that was previously smoked by who knows who? Yea I'm not above it. Are you kidding?
I walked by a guy today smoking. Well rather I walked right through his smoke cloud. His delicious smelling smoke cloud hit me right in the lungs. I felt like a fucking heroin addict. I wanted cry, laugh, inhale all at the same time. I wanted to shit on myself, my brain jumped right out of my skull and started smashing itself against the concrete. That inner voice of mine.... She sat there and laughed, just smoking and laughing. Then the bitch put her cigarette right out in my smashed brain.
I came back to reality.
It's only been 4 days since I quit and it feels like 10 mins. I feels fake, like I'm just playing a sick game with my mind.
Food....
Hand to mouth stops my craving. Yeah, my intelligent side says eat fruits and veggies when you crave. But reality says, bitch eat the peanut butter! Stick your finger into the jar for the 6th time. No ones watching!
I have been doing really well, staying under 1200 calories a day! Watching my sugar and carb intake. No fast food, no junk food, no sweets (well except peanut butter). Nothing but water. Portioning out everything. More fruits and veggies that anything. Switched to wheat pasta and substitute egg noodles where I can.
Today I fell off....... I fell off 2 ways.....
One I had fast food, only a sandwich. 2nd fail today was when I pulled around the corner and realized the Golden Arches line was 30 cars deep.... I whipped my tiny little hybrid right into Chik-fil-a's line. Yes my anti waffle fry friends. I caved. I ate a delicious chicken sandwich made with hate. I am sorry. And if it makes you feel any better I was in full regret mode when I realized it was 440 calories. If it doesn't make you feel better.....well fuck you then.
I have 3 hours until day 5.....
I may not make it
Chelsie
Yea me at 13 just smoking away, like it was cute looking like a goldfish outta water, with no regard to my almost 30 year old self going through withdrawal. Yea 13 year old Chelsie thought she was cool. I was so cool smoking Newports that I didn't even keep them in the sturdy little carton they came in, I threw them in a bag. Piles of cigarettes to be smoked recklessly.
Fast forward to today. Today was tough. I wanted a cigarette so bad. I could of ripped the throat out of any passerby today. Ripped out a throat and rolled it up and smoked it. It was hard. I found my eyes scanning the parking lot hoping someone had dropped one and been to damn lazy to pick it up. Or hell I would have been happy if someone had flipped on before it was ready, the cherry fell off, left half a cigarette and it was waiting for me in the parking lot..... What in the holy high rolling fuck am I talking about? Is this what I have been reduced to? Smoking half a cigarette that was previously smoked by who knows who? Yea I'm not above it. Are you kidding?
I walked by a guy today smoking. Well rather I walked right through his smoke cloud. His delicious smelling smoke cloud hit me right in the lungs. I felt like a fucking heroin addict. I wanted cry, laugh, inhale all at the same time. I wanted to shit on myself, my brain jumped right out of my skull and started smashing itself against the concrete. That inner voice of mine.... She sat there and laughed, just smoking and laughing. Then the bitch put her cigarette right out in my smashed brain.
I came back to reality.
It's only been 4 days since I quit and it feels like 10 mins. I feels fake, like I'm just playing a sick game with my mind.
Food....
Hand to mouth stops my craving. Yeah, my intelligent side says eat fruits and veggies when you crave. But reality says, bitch eat the peanut butter! Stick your finger into the jar for the 6th time. No ones watching!
I have been doing really well, staying under 1200 calories a day! Watching my sugar and carb intake. No fast food, no junk food, no sweets (well except peanut butter). Nothing but water. Portioning out everything. More fruits and veggies that anything. Switched to wheat pasta and substitute egg noodles where I can.
Today I fell off....... I fell off 2 ways.....
One I had fast food, only a sandwich. 2nd fail today was when I pulled around the corner and realized the Golden Arches line was 30 cars deep.... I whipped my tiny little hybrid right into Chik-fil-a's line. Yes my anti waffle fry friends. I caved. I ate a delicious chicken sandwich made with hate. I am sorry. And if it makes you feel any better I was in full regret mode when I realized it was 440 calories. If it doesn't make you feel better.....well fuck you then.
I have 3 hours until day 5.....
I may not make it
Chelsie
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Day 3....
So....
Day one sucked... I cried and laughed and cried and cried..... I was an uber bitch. Like a raging fucking lunatic. I hid in my closet like a fucking child, a bad little punished child.
Day 2 was much better.... I did cry for 30seconds, but that was it. I felt free well free'er. It's the strangest thing.
Day 3 I feel like a boss. I'm better than day 2 and like 100 times better than day 1.
I was nervous this morning though because I wanted to leave quick for work so I could get a cigarette. I wanted one and not because I needed it but only because I wanted to see how I would feel. I didn't do it!! Yay me!!
I rode my bike again this morning! I felt free! My favorite 4 year old and I rode together! I pedaled and she rode shotgun (in a baby seat, properly strapped and secure).
I got to work....I ate all of my snacks before 10:45.... I got to work at 10. Ugh..... I decided a walk was necessary! Yea that's what I'll call it. Just a leisurely stroll in the sun. Who am I kidding, I was antsy as shit, sweating, getting nervous, looking all around. I had to get up and move, I had to get out of the space. I had to kick my feign, but I tell you what if that old Newport smoking lady would of been outside I might of tackled her. But she wasn't. I didn't.
I ate good for lunch
Butter beans and a turkey and provolone, on white bread with lettuce, tomato, onion and oil and vinegar.
I chewed gum A LOT!
I walked! Every chance I have gotten today I have walked. Aimlessly, up and down streets, diagonally in crosswalks. It feels good! I missed the outside! I can smell the world!
We biked again this evening, and I made Italian baked cauliflower for dinner, although mine wasn't as pleasant looking. It tasted great and the kids went back for seconds, so it must of been the shit.
I am happy!
Oh and waist measurement today was for fun but it was 85 cm hmmm...... :)
Chelsie
Day one sucked... I cried and laughed and cried and cried..... I was an uber bitch. Like a raging fucking lunatic. I hid in my closet like a fucking child, a bad little punished child.
Day 2 was much better.... I did cry for 30seconds, but that was it. I felt free well free'er. It's the strangest thing.
Day 3 I feel like a boss. I'm better than day 2 and like 100 times better than day 1.
I was nervous this morning though because I wanted to leave quick for work so I could get a cigarette. I wanted one and not because I needed it but only because I wanted to see how I would feel. I didn't do it!! Yay me!!
I rode my bike again this morning! I felt free! My favorite 4 year old and I rode together! I pedaled and she rode shotgun (in a baby seat, properly strapped and secure).
I got to work....I ate all of my snacks before 10:45.... I got to work at 10. Ugh..... I decided a walk was necessary! Yea that's what I'll call it. Just a leisurely stroll in the sun. Who am I kidding, I was antsy as shit, sweating, getting nervous, looking all around. I had to get up and move, I had to get out of the space. I had to kick my feign, but I tell you what if that old Newport smoking lady would of been outside I might of tackled her. But she wasn't. I didn't.
I ate good for lunch
Butter beans and a turkey and provolone, on white bread with lettuce, tomato, onion and oil and vinegar.
I chewed gum A LOT!
I walked! Every chance I have gotten today I have walked. Aimlessly, up and down streets, diagonally in crosswalks. It feels good! I missed the outside! I can smell the world!
We biked again this evening, and I made Italian baked cauliflower for dinner, although mine wasn't as pleasant looking. It tasted great and the kids went back for seconds, so it must of been the shit.
I am happy!
Oh and waist measurement today was for fun but it was 85 cm hmmm...... :)
Chelsie
Day ??? ~ Courtney
I suck at life!
No seriously I suck at will power!
The diet...I'm doin great! I'm keeping my calorie count and getting my exercise. I feel good about the diet!
The no smoking...yea lets just say I'm a weak fool!
I keep letting that little devil nicotine win! I bough a pack of cigs Sunday and today (Tuesday) I will finish that pack. I keep telling myself that one pack in 3 days in better then the pack and a half I was smoking but it still isn't what I set out to do.
When I finish this pack I WILL NOT buy another. I have instructed my husband not to let me leave the house till at least Sunday. The last time I left the house I bought cigs like a crack fiend. Sneaking around, paranoid that someone would see me and report back to the others.
So I'm on lock down. I have 6 cigs left and if it kills me tomorrow I will start over again and not smoke another one.
The worst part is I feel like I let Chels down. She is 3 days smoke free and here I am puffing away. Maybe it isn't that I feel like I let her down but that I feel left behind or like a failure.
I hate failing at anything which is why I often avoid taking on a new challenge all together. Failure is the little devil that makes me give up my hopes and dreams.
I want to be smoke free! I want to spend more time with my kids and less time alone feeding my addiction. I want to taste food the way it should taste and smell aromas the way they are meant to be smelled. Most of all I want to be able to say that I am NOT a smoker.
I though by having someone push me it would be better but I guess what I've learned is that I have to push myself. I keep telling my husband I can't change his diet for him he has to want to and I guess I need to tell myself the same thing.
No one can make me quit smoking but me. I have to quit making excuses an quit lying to myself. I have to be stronger and give myself time to succeed.
I can do this! I will do this! I just gotta keep telling myself that.
No seriously I suck at will power!
The diet...I'm doin great! I'm keeping my calorie count and getting my exercise. I feel good about the diet!
The no smoking...yea lets just say I'm a weak fool!
I keep letting that little devil nicotine win! I bough a pack of cigs Sunday and today (Tuesday) I will finish that pack. I keep telling myself that one pack in 3 days in better then the pack and a half I was smoking but it still isn't what I set out to do.
When I finish this pack I WILL NOT buy another. I have instructed my husband not to let me leave the house till at least Sunday. The last time I left the house I bought cigs like a crack fiend. Sneaking around, paranoid that someone would see me and report back to the others.
So I'm on lock down. I have 6 cigs left and if it kills me tomorrow I will start over again and not smoke another one.
The worst part is I feel like I let Chels down. She is 3 days smoke free and here I am puffing away. Maybe it isn't that I feel like I let her down but that I feel left behind or like a failure.
I hate failing at anything which is why I often avoid taking on a new challenge all together. Failure is the little devil that makes me give up my hopes and dreams.
I want to be smoke free! I want to spend more time with my kids and less time alone feeding my addiction. I want to taste food the way it should taste and smell aromas the way they are meant to be smelled. Most of all I want to be able to say that I am NOT a smoker.
I though by having someone push me it would be better but I guess what I've learned is that I have to push myself. I keep telling my husband I can't change his diet for him he has to want to and I guess I need to tell myself the same thing.
No one can make me quit smoking but me. I have to quit making excuses an quit lying to myself. I have to be stronger and give myself time to succeed.
I can do this! I will do this! I just gotta keep telling myself that.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day 1 ~ Courtney
I gave myself a pep talk last night before i fell asleep. For that matter i am pretty sure i fell asleep while still pep talking lol.
I told myself that tomorrow no matter what i would be in a good mood. I would use restraint and will power. I would do what i knew to be right even if it was not what i wanted in the least!
So how did that go you are asking?
It sucked! Anyone who knows me knows i am a coffee addict! So starting a morning without coffee is like a crack addict who cant find a rock! But i pushed past the want and need and fixed my kids pancakes.
Pancakes with butter and syrup! Pancakes with butter and syrup that i didn't get to eat any of!!!! But I'm not a big pancake fan so its all good! I ate half a grapefruit and a small banana.
I intended to eat about every 2 hours so that i could make sure i was getting enough. And i would have accomplished that had i been able to stay awake long enough. It seems that with no coffee my body wanted nothing to do with waking up and staying awake.
I slept on and off all day long. I did eat. I ate lots of stuff. All raw, all caffeine free, and all without a cigarette.
Then i had to go to the store. This is where the problem for me began.
I cheated! I smoked a cigarette! To explain further, or i guess try to make excuses, i had a migraine that i thought was caused by the lack of nicotine so i smoked. Turns out my body didn't want the cigarette! It made the migraine worse.
So after we decided to make some changes to our diet plan and came up with this:
Fruit and veggies during the day and a small healthy portioned meal for dinner. I can have coffee in the mornings but only a cup or 2 and it will count towards my overall calorie count.
After dinner to see if i could relieve my migraine i fixed a cup of coffee and guess what? Migraine gone! Plus i am a much happier person! It also didn't trigger my need for a cigarette like i thought it would!
For dinner i did have the most amazing salad thought! Spinach and romaine with strawberries, avocado, and a pinch of mozzarella with balsamic vinegar! So good!!!
So here is to tomorrow! Staying strong and even more will power!
~Courtney~
I told myself that tomorrow no matter what i would be in a good mood. I would use restraint and will power. I would do what i knew to be right even if it was not what i wanted in the least!
So how did that go you are asking?
It sucked! Anyone who knows me knows i am a coffee addict! So starting a morning without coffee is like a crack addict who cant find a rock! But i pushed past the want and need and fixed my kids pancakes.
Pancakes with butter and syrup! Pancakes with butter and syrup that i didn't get to eat any of!!!! But I'm not a big pancake fan so its all good! I ate half a grapefruit and a small banana.
I intended to eat about every 2 hours so that i could make sure i was getting enough. And i would have accomplished that had i been able to stay awake long enough. It seems that with no coffee my body wanted nothing to do with waking up and staying awake.
I slept on and off all day long. I did eat. I ate lots of stuff. All raw, all caffeine free, and all without a cigarette.
Then i had to go to the store. This is where the problem for me began.
I cheated! I smoked a cigarette! To explain further, or i guess try to make excuses, i had a migraine that i thought was caused by the lack of nicotine so i smoked. Turns out my body didn't want the cigarette! It made the migraine worse.
So after we decided to make some changes to our diet plan and came up with this:
Fruit and veggies during the day and a small healthy portioned meal for dinner. I can have coffee in the mornings but only a cup or 2 and it will count towards my overall calorie count.
After dinner to see if i could relieve my migraine i fixed a cup of coffee and guess what? Migraine gone! Plus i am a much happier person! It also didn't trigger my need for a cigarette like i thought it would!
For dinner i did have the most amazing salad thought! Spinach and romaine with strawberries, avocado, and a pinch of mozzarella with balsamic vinegar! So good!!!
So here is to tomorrow! Staying strong and even more will power!
~Courtney~
Day 1
I woke up this morning, with a heaping bit of aggravation, which just intensified when I realized smoking was a vice I no longer had.
Initially my anger stemmed from being woken up extra early on my only day off. Why? I then went through a shit ton of emotions and thoughts like;
Why is the house dirty?
Why are the kids fighting?
I don't want a boyfriend!
Pizza...mmm!
I'm not ready to quit!
What the fuck was I thinking trying to give up cigarettes.
I can do this!!
Pizza..mmm!
I had to halt my mind. Breathe Chelsie breathe. Visualize, relax.... Yea relax my ass I'll rip a cigarette out of a strangers mouth at this point. I want to venture out, but I am afraid I'm like a ravage, raging mental patient that has been locked up and deprived for 20 years.
I decided to bike ride. Yea that's it, full on bike riding will make me a better person. Yea uh huh! I was doing fine, I was free and not thinking about smoking or my lack of food. The wind was in my face I felt accomplished. I rode for a while, and then like a ton of bricks it hit me....that damn squeaky ass pedal was the only thing I could think of. The wind was no longer in my face, only the annoying squeaking in my ear. I was not feeling accomplished, I only felt like I wanted to throw that bike under an 18 wheeler. Why was it annoying me? I thought it was my friend, why is it picking on me? The only thing I could think about was ripping the chain off of that thing and watching it suffer in cold metal. I couldn't get it out of my mind.....and then she returned, my cigarette demon. She was on the porch lounging on the bench smoking 2 cigarettes a once. She was taunting me. She was smiling, laughing, blowing little perfect smoke rings, luring me to her.... Bitch. Oh how I hate her. Evil evil...just pure trickery.
I didn't throw that damn bike under a truck, I rode it safely home. But the damn thing must of felt my hatred and annoyance with it, because as soon as I parked it and tried to get off my foot got stuck and down I went. Ugh, I hate that bike! Anyways....
So for breakfast I had half a banana and half a grapefruit with water Yumm! <<
My children had leftover pizza and bread with butter. At one point I saw myself leap across the table and rip the pizza straight out of their mouths. Oh I wanted it so bad I considered a full on linebacker tackle. Hell I'm faster than them, they will never catch that pizza. I refrained!
I ate my raw food in silence, while a smile, envying those kids more than anything.
Weigh in today....
106.6lbs. which I'm pretty sure my scale is broken cause my stomach is the size it was when I was pregnant.
Measurement today...
Waist 87.5cm
Booty 87.5 cm
Right thigh 51 cm
Left thigh 51.5 cm
-Chelsie
Initially my anger stemmed from being woken up extra early on my only day off. Why? I then went through a shit ton of emotions and thoughts like;
Why is the house dirty?
Why are the kids fighting?
I don't want a boyfriend!
Pizza...mmm!
I'm not ready to quit!
What the fuck was I thinking trying to give up cigarettes.
I can do this!!
Pizza..mmm!
I had to halt my mind. Breathe Chelsie breathe. Visualize, relax.... Yea relax my ass I'll rip a cigarette out of a strangers mouth at this point. I want to venture out, but I am afraid I'm like a ravage, raging mental patient that has been locked up and deprived for 20 years.
I decided to bike ride. Yea that's it, full on bike riding will make me a better person. Yea uh huh! I was doing fine, I was free and not thinking about smoking or my lack of food. The wind was in my face I felt accomplished. I rode for a while, and then like a ton of bricks it hit me....that damn squeaky ass pedal was the only thing I could think of. The wind was no longer in my face, only the annoying squeaking in my ear. I was not feeling accomplished, I only felt like I wanted to throw that bike under an 18 wheeler. Why was it annoying me? I thought it was my friend, why is it picking on me? The only thing I could think about was ripping the chain off of that thing and watching it suffer in cold metal. I couldn't get it out of my mind.....and then she returned, my cigarette demon. She was on the porch lounging on the bench smoking 2 cigarettes a once. She was taunting me. She was smiling, laughing, blowing little perfect smoke rings, luring me to her.... Bitch. Oh how I hate her. Evil evil...just pure trickery.
I didn't throw that damn bike under a truck, I rode it safely home. But the damn thing must of felt my hatred and annoyance with it, because as soon as I parked it and tried to get off my foot got stuck and down I went. Ugh, I hate that bike! Anyways....
So for breakfast I had half a banana and half a grapefruit with water Yumm! <<
My children had leftover pizza and bread with butter. At one point I saw myself leap across the table and rip the pizza straight out of their mouths. Oh I wanted it so bad I considered a full on linebacker tackle. Hell I'm faster than them, they will never catch that pizza. I refrained!
I ate my raw food in silence, while a smile, envying those kids more than anything.
Weigh in today....
106.6lbs. which I'm pretty sure my scale is broken cause my stomach is the size it was when I was pregnant.
Measurement today...
Waist 87.5cm
Booty 87.5 cm
Right thigh 51 cm
Left thigh 51.5 cm
-Chelsie
The time is now...
As I put out my last cigarette hours ago, I am ready! I have smoked my life away and now it is time for me to live it.
I am scared for the morning, maybe that is why I am prolonging shut eye. Maybe this is why I am staring aimlessly at this screen, hoping something witty will come and make me forget that I am going to be an Ogre in the morning. I am pretty sure that by noon tomorrow I will be in full fledge Godzilla mode, stomping Lego houses and feelings. Hell I may even climb the walls, but the fact remains.... I am ready. I have never been so eager to put down my cancer sticks. Maybe it's time or maybe I just want to feed my fat ass pizza in Italy next year. Whatever the case may be, it is here. The time is now.
I have my water ready, plenty of fruits and veggies and Greek yogurt. Today at the store I felt like I was getting ready for the apocalypse. Cart packed full of shit and only half of it made my mouth water. Oh goodness help me complete my 7 day detox lol, I may eat my hand.
But I am ready.... The time is now!!!
Weigh in in the am!!!
Chelsie
I am scared for the morning, maybe that is why I am prolonging shut eye. Maybe this is why I am staring aimlessly at this screen, hoping something witty will come and make me forget that I am going to be an Ogre in the morning. I am pretty sure that by noon tomorrow I will be in full fledge Godzilla mode, stomping Lego houses and feelings. Hell I may even climb the walls, but the fact remains.... I am ready. I have never been so eager to put down my cancer sticks. Maybe it's time or maybe I just want to feed my fat ass pizza in Italy next year. Whatever the case may be, it is here. The time is now.
I have my water ready, plenty of fruits and veggies and Greek yogurt. Today at the store I felt like I was getting ready for the apocalypse. Cart packed full of shit and only half of it made my mouth water. Oh goodness help me complete my 7 day detox lol, I may eat my hand.
But I am ready.... The time is now!!!
Weigh in in the am!!!
Chelsie
Friday, January 11, 2013
Fat week sucks
As I type this, I lay sprawled out on the floor about 8 feet from the porcelain throne. Why? Because Fat week sucks! Whoever invented it was slightly delusional in thinking it was a good idea. Don't know if it was myself or Courtney, but whoever it was, still a fucking stupid idea.
I have eaten nothing healthy at all this week. Well unless you consider the 3 tomato pieces on my one salad covered in a half a bottle of honey mustard or the can of diced tomatoes that was thrown in lasagna along with 2 lbs of hamburger and a bag of cellulose filled shredded cheese. I have eaten so disgusting this week I am even mad at myself.
I have eaten like a 400lb trucker with a meal ticket at McDonald's. Yuck. I disgust even myself with my shameful fat week and disgusting myself is hard to do.
I was fine until today when I had the dumbass idea for lunch. Yep, I talked myself into going to my favorite little Mexican joint and grabbing a bite. And grabbing a bite for me at a place like that isn't a tiny taco and over indulging on free chips and salsa. Yes, my friends I am a lover of all things Mexican. If you cover, smother or slightly rub it in cheese I'm on it like a fat kid on birthday cake. If you then take that cheesy goodness and stuff it in a pepper or a tortilla as big as my head...mmmmm I'm shaking just thinking about that deliciousness. Well anyways, I order my usual lunch combo #26, which consisted of 1 beef enchilada, 1 beef and queso burrito and 1 chile rellano. My order came with chips and salsa and I got me a big ol' extra large DIET coke, why not its my favorite cliche. I ate the entire thing, I was even sad when it was gone. Ugh dummy!
I felt fine! Left work and had another bright idea. Wait for it..... Yep stop at Courtney's and have a big ol' bowl full of homemade peach cobbler. Nope didn't stop there, I smothered it in Butter pecan ice cream and had a Spider-Man glass full of cold milk. Oh it was good, it was real good. So good in fact on the way home I began slipping into a peach cobbler comatose state of mind.
I went right home and made my vital mistake. I am paying for that mistake now as I feel like I'm slipping in and out of a food induced alternate universe. The damn mistake was a nap. Never, ever take a nap after you mix 10,000 calories. 5,000 calories from Mexico and 5,000 calories from sweet southern cobbler. You will regret it.
Needless to say.... I'm ending my fat week early! I don't want to die of clogged arteries before I quit smoking!!
Send your positive thoughts my way, maybe it will help keep me off the porcelain throne face first!!
-Chelsie
I have eaten nothing healthy at all this week. Well unless you consider the 3 tomato pieces on my one salad covered in a half a bottle of honey mustard or the can of diced tomatoes that was thrown in lasagna along with 2 lbs of hamburger and a bag of cellulose filled shredded cheese. I have eaten so disgusting this week I am even mad at myself.
I have eaten like a 400lb trucker with a meal ticket at McDonald's. Yuck. I disgust even myself with my shameful fat week and disgusting myself is hard to do.
I was fine until today when I had the dumbass idea for lunch. Yep, I talked myself into going to my favorite little Mexican joint and grabbing a bite. And grabbing a bite for me at a place like that isn't a tiny taco and over indulging on free chips and salsa. Yes, my friends I am a lover of all things Mexican. If you cover, smother or slightly rub it in cheese I'm on it like a fat kid on birthday cake. If you then take that cheesy goodness and stuff it in a pepper or a tortilla as big as my head...mmmmm I'm shaking just thinking about that deliciousness. Well anyways, I order my usual lunch combo #26, which consisted of 1 beef enchilada, 1 beef and queso burrito and 1 chile rellano. My order came with chips and salsa and I got me a big ol' extra large DIET coke, why not its my favorite cliche. I ate the entire thing, I was even sad when it was gone. Ugh dummy!
I felt fine! Left work and had another bright idea. Wait for it..... Yep stop at Courtney's and have a big ol' bowl full of homemade peach cobbler. Nope didn't stop there, I smothered it in Butter pecan ice cream and had a Spider-Man glass full of cold milk. Oh it was good, it was real good. So good in fact on the way home I began slipping into a peach cobbler comatose state of mind.
I went right home and made my vital mistake. I am paying for that mistake now as I feel like I'm slipping in and out of a food induced alternate universe. The damn mistake was a nap. Never, ever take a nap after you mix 10,000 calories. 5,000 calories from Mexico and 5,000 calories from sweet southern cobbler. You will regret it.
Needless to say.... I'm ending my fat week early! I don't want to die of clogged arteries before I quit smoking!!
Send your positive thoughts my way, maybe it will help keep me off the porcelain throne face first!!
-Chelsie
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Courtney's Fat Week and Apprehension
So fat week is flying by and although im kinda sad about it i am also really ready to get on the ball with the changes that are coming.
Tuesday i fixed greasy cheeseburgers with fried french fries. Wednesday was fried chicken wings with pasta salad and chips and dip! Today is my Hubby's birthday and we are celebrating with steaks, mac n cheese, salad, garlic bread and peach cobbler! OH MY!!! Tomorrow is pizzas and Saturday for our final "fat" meal it will be fettucini alfredo with chicken, garlic bread, and salad!
Im not having a lot of apprehension about all the changes but more fears of all the time i will have left over when im no longer stuffing my face or chain smoking cigerettes.
I have looked into several exercise routines on YouTube including Zumba, Hip Hop, Yoga, and some other more hardcore stuff. I have to be able to change it up or i wont stick with it. See atleast i know me right lol!
I need to find something to replace my smoking habit with. Something not bad for me. I am really kinda struggling with this part. I could clean or read, or meditate but then im like what happens when after a few days everything is spotless? What happens if reading is a trigger for me (which is quite possible)? What happens if i cant find my "happy" place?
So right now this is where im at. Ready to take on the challenge and get my life in the right direction.
Tuesday i fixed greasy cheeseburgers with fried french fries. Wednesday was fried chicken wings with pasta salad and chips and dip! Today is my Hubby's birthday and we are celebrating with steaks, mac n cheese, salad, garlic bread and peach cobbler! OH MY!!! Tomorrow is pizzas and Saturday for our final "fat" meal it will be fettucini alfredo with chicken, garlic bread, and salad!
Im not having a lot of apprehension about all the changes but more fears of all the time i will have left over when im no longer stuffing my face or chain smoking cigerettes.
I have looked into several exercise routines on YouTube including Zumba, Hip Hop, Yoga, and some other more hardcore stuff. I have to be able to change it up or i wont stick with it. See atleast i know me right lol!
I need to find something to replace my smoking habit with. Something not bad for me. I am really kinda struggling with this part. I could clean or read, or meditate but then im like what happens when after a few days everything is spotless? What happens if reading is a trigger for me (which is quite possible)? What happens if i cant find my "happy" place?
So right now this is where im at. Ready to take on the challenge and get my life in the right direction.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Chelsie's start to Fat Week
Fat week officially began Sunday night. Cheesy, fatty, gooey goodness to be consumed through mouth, mind and possibly intravenously.
I started of my Fat week with al dente Fettuccini smothered and covered in homemade meatballs with marinara. It was amazing! I loved every single morsel, I consumed it in traditional American fashion, a monstrous OVERSIZED portion. There are no leftovers! So fettuccini and meatballs I bid you farewell.
Monday night, my guilt pleasure was meatloaf with mash potatoes and gravy. I then proceeded to indulge myself in the most unhealthy late night snack.... A big juicy, artery clogging cheeseburger from Chilis. That was probably not the best idea considering I went to bed with indigestion and woke up feeling nauseous.
I woke up yesterday and started my normal routine... Walk outside and inhale my addiction. I normally smoke 3 cigarettes before my children even get on the school bus. This part of my day will be the hardest to break! I'm not sure I will want to get out of bed on Sunday. But I will push myself, I will succeed.
My nerves are going nuts thinking about putting that little green box containing arsenic down..... It isn't even Sunday and I'm already feeling the anxiety! I'm also ready to quit, I wanted to start monday, but was unsure if I would feel the same tomorrow. So as it stands, my set date will remain.
I go through my head already thinking about excuses that are worth enough to allow me just one more hit!
What if I'm upset?
What if there is an argument?
What if I wake up and forget out of habit?
What if it is just one?
I'm nervous that I won't be strong enough. I'm nervous that I will be strong enough! I don't know how to live my life without smoking.
What will I do with my hands?
What will I do when I cry?
What will I do when I'm stressed?
What will food taste like? And if it tastes good will I want to reintroduce my taste buds to all things I love?
I repeat this over and over even now before I have started....
It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.
Discipline is remembering what you want.
I will choose discipline over regret for the first time in my existence.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
A Little About Courtney
As a child growing up I was a stick with a butt. My
nickname, bubble butt, was accurate to say the least. It wasn’t until I hit puberty (in the 4th
grade I might add) that my weight exploded. I went from a kid’s size 11/12 to a
junior’s size 6. I was 110 lbs by the 5th grade and it only went up
from there.
By the time I was in junior high I was 150 lbs. I was a
cheerleader and really active so it kept my weight gain at bay. In high school I gave up cheering to be a
band/theater member and ballooned to 175. At the same time I also dealt with
the loss of my mother and grandmother less than 6 months apart.
I began to handle my stress and emotions in not so healthy
ways. I started smoking on a regular basis around this time and buried my
emotions under a bad attitude and food. It wasn’t until my senior year of high
school that I started to get things under control.
When I met the man of my dreams soon after graduation I
weighed 160. Soon after I became pregnant and had our first son in March 2005.
I gained 45 lbs while I was pregnant. After I gave birth I managed to lose all
the weight except 15 lbs. At 175 I didn’t feel all that uncomfortable. It was a
weight I guess I was just use to.
Less than a year later, in April 2006, I gave birth to our 2nd
son. This time I only gained 25 lbs during my pregnancy and lost all but 10. At
185 I felt a little self conscience but was still ok. I had an IUD placed at my
6 week check up and this is where it all gets a little confusing for me.
From 2006 to 2009 I gained 21 lbs. I wasn’t eating any
differently, I wasn’t doing anything differently or so I thought. I read a lot
of articles from women who had IUDs who were experiencing the same problem. A
friend of mine had even had her weight balloon while having her IUD. Also as a
mother of 2 that were 11 months apart I was constantly busy. I never had time
to stop and think about what I was eating or when or even how much.
I guess most mothers can relate to the concept of eating
when, where, and what you can. Looking back I realize that it was probably a
combination of all these things that caused my weight to balloon like it did.
In February 2009 I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd
son. At 206 lbs one of the first things my midwife said to me was she didn’t
want me to gain more than 15 lbs with this pregnancy. I agreed that I would
try. Turns out I didn’t have to try. I had a normal pregnancy, felt fine, and
only gained 18 lbs. So imagine my surprise at my 6 week check up when they told
me I weighed 196!
Somehow during those 9 months I had actually lost 10lbs. But
that is where it stopped! Dead cold STOPPED! It wasn’t until we moved to South
Carolina in 2012 that I found myself losing weight again.
I am now starting this journey at 188 lbs with the goal of
getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 160. It’s going to be a long, long
road. Along the way I hope to end my relationships with many of my vices
including smoking, which just may be the hardest battle of all.
I hope along the way I can document the difficulties and
triumphs, so that one day I can look back on them and laugh. And maybe just
maybe learn a few things about who I was and how I became so strong.
I'm Chelsie and I'm Courtney
We have been friends for roughly 15 years, we are best friends, sisters, shoulders to cry on, and rocks to hold one another up.... We are everything for each other. Our journey together has been crazy, filled with ups and downs, progression and regression. Our journey is never ending, we can honestly say that no matter what one or the other did, now or 20 years from now, we couldn't live life without the other. We both live separate lives, with children and craziness, but at the end of the day we always come together, to discuss, complain, enlighten one another or just sit in silence with the comfort of knowing our bond is there and it is unbreakable. I guess you could say we would be the perfect couple if we could actually cohabitate without murder being a factor lol... And since that's not possible we remain the best of friends. While our journey never ends, we do start new journeys everyday. Our latest journey will take place over the course of this year, 365 grueling days of support and willpower. We will be documenting every step of this journey, so that one day in 20 years shall we ever fall short of anything that we want to achieve in life we can look back and see proof of our will, our minds and our unconditional love and support for each other.....
So here goes.....
We together as one have decided that our goals are very similar in what we want. It is very hard for both of us to single handedly achieve these goals without falling off the wagon. So we have vowed together to go on this journey as one. If at the end of this journey, neither of us has fallen off, we will take our savings as one and travel together to the one place that we both have dreamed...
My friends we are going to Italy.....
The goals of our journey.....
1. We will quit smoking... This is a crucial part of our dream, as the money we spend on a daily and weekly basis on ciggarettes is the money that we will put into a savings account and it will be paying for our trip.
2. We will lose weight.... Not hard right? No maybe not, but the hardest part is we must maintain this weight loss for the duration of this year....
3. We will become and maintain an extremely healthy lifestyle for ourselves and our children....
This journey is not a simple journey of losing weight and cooking Brussels sprouts and tofu, this journey is nothing more than a test of our will power and support and a true test of how much we love and care about each other and our goals.....
We will begin January 13th 2013.......
(Cue dramatic music)
Dun dun dun.....
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