Monday, February 18, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The 24 Hr Lesson
You know how they say that "you have to crawl before you walk"? Or that "you will fall many times before you learn to stand"? Or how about "when life knocks you down you get back up"?
Any of those seem familiar?
Well i feel like i just went through a 24 hour lesson in life.
After playing the back and forth game all week long, and convincing myself that i had quit smoking (since i hadn't bought any cigarettes because seriously you cant count a cigarette unless you actually bought it with you own money right? No?), I finally broke! Chels and I split a pack of cigs with the intention of starting fresh, again. So yesterday around 4 she brought me my half (10 cigs) and i immediately lit up. And it tasted goooooood. So good in fact that i smoked half of them last night.
Now i make no excuses here for my actions but from 4 to 11 i smoked 5 cigs. And honestly i enjoyed it. I kept thinking to myself why am i quitting in the first place? I love this!
Then today showed me the ugly truth. I woke up this morning and grinned! I have cigs my brain screamed!!!! YAY! So i jumped out of bed got some coffee and went to smoke. At first it was good then it was bad, and as the day went on it got worse.
I will save you the gory details but by the 3:30 i still had 3 cigs and 0 stomach content. So i tore up the remaining cigs and flushed them. My stomach did the happy dance.
I have not felt this sick in a really long time. My stomach (even now after 1.5 hrs with no cigs) still feels like ocean waves, and my head feels like a jack hammer is doing its job all over my skull.
I have been shaking all day. Like full on tremors shaking and felt dizzy on and off.
I don't ever remember smoking making me feel this crappy, but then maybe that was because i was use to feeling this crappy.
I'm still not sure if i am actually sick or just syking myself out but either way i am done.
I refuse to feel like this ever again. I fell down but i am getting back up and learning from my mistake.
There will not be any buying, bumming, or "just a hit". I will not indulge my fears of "what will i do without smoking". I will be stronger then my addiction.
I have survived a hell of a lot in my life and i will not allow cigarettes to be the death of me.
So here we go:
Day 1...Take 2!
~Courtney~
Any of those seem familiar?
Well i feel like i just went through a 24 hour lesson in life.
After playing the back and forth game all week long, and convincing myself that i had quit smoking (since i hadn't bought any cigarettes because seriously you cant count a cigarette unless you actually bought it with you own money right? No?), I finally broke! Chels and I split a pack of cigs with the intention of starting fresh, again. So yesterday around 4 she brought me my half (10 cigs) and i immediately lit up. And it tasted goooooood. So good in fact that i smoked half of them last night.
Now i make no excuses here for my actions but from 4 to 11 i smoked 5 cigs. And honestly i enjoyed it. I kept thinking to myself why am i quitting in the first place? I love this!
Then today showed me the ugly truth. I woke up this morning and grinned! I have cigs my brain screamed!!!! YAY! So i jumped out of bed got some coffee and went to smoke. At first it was good then it was bad, and as the day went on it got worse.
I will save you the gory details but by the 3:30 i still had 3 cigs and 0 stomach content. So i tore up the remaining cigs and flushed them. My stomach did the happy dance.
I have not felt this sick in a really long time. My stomach (even now after 1.5 hrs with no cigs) still feels like ocean waves, and my head feels like a jack hammer is doing its job all over my skull.
I have been shaking all day. Like full on tremors shaking and felt dizzy on and off.
I don't ever remember smoking making me feel this crappy, but then maybe that was because i was use to feeling this crappy.
I'm still not sure if i am actually sick or just syking myself out but either way i am done.
I refuse to feel like this ever again. I fell down but i am getting back up and learning from my mistake.
There will not be any buying, bumming, or "just a hit". I will not indulge my fears of "what will i do without smoking". I will be stronger then my addiction.
I have survived a hell of a lot in my life and i will not allow cigarettes to be the death of me.
So here we go:
Day 1...Take 2!
~Courtney~
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sigh...The Little Devil Within
Today is a rough day.
I want a cigarette sooooooooo bad! I'm not really sure why. There is no stress, there is no trigger being pulled that hasn't already been pulled in the last 5 days.
Maybe I'm just bored, maybe I'm just weak, maybe the little bitch ass nicotine devil in the back of my brain has just whispered one word to many.
Logically i know i don't want to smoke. I don't want to spend 10 minutes inhaling chemicals that will leave me sick and feigning. But that little devil, oh she is tricky!
She constantly is sending me a stream of messages. Taunting me! Telling me lies!
Lies like: "You don't really wanna quit", "You aren't ready", "You enjoy smoking", "Why deprive yourself of something you love", "You weren't spending that much money", "You could smoke just a few a day and be fine", and possibly the biggest of all, "You only live once why not just enjoy it instead of being miserable".
I know that these are lies, but when you are in the grips of a nicotine withdraw attack they sound perfectly logical and even quite intelligent. Then i try to reason with my own brain and tell her to shut up.
Some times this works but most often i just feel even more pathetic. Why does this have to be so damn hard. It isn't even about the cigarette itself. Its symbolic of the real problem.
Yes i am addicted to the nicotine but honestly i am addicted to the action of smoking. The alone time that it got me. The quiet time it got me. The stolen moments of relaxation. The fact that it was like a best friend who has been there for me through it all.
For 13 years cigarettes have been my best friend. Through my grandma's death, my mom's death, lost friendships, break ups, make ups, hard times, good times, celebrations, parties, and yes even quiet moments of relaxation. They were ever present and ready to hold my hand through it all.
So whats the problem? Why must i quit? Why cant this relationship just go on if its so good?
Because this relationship is like an abusive relationship. Cigarettes are literally killing me. They are beating me to a pulp and i am the abused spouse that is making excuses why i cant leave. Part of me wants to continue to make excuses until the day that the abuse goes to far and kills me, but the intelligent part of me knows that for my sake and my family's sake i have to let this relationship go.
But its hard! Its really hard! Some days are harder then others and today is a hard day.
~Courtney~
I want a cigarette sooooooooo bad! I'm not really sure why. There is no stress, there is no trigger being pulled that hasn't already been pulled in the last 5 days.
Maybe I'm just bored, maybe I'm just weak, maybe the little bitch ass nicotine devil in the back of my brain has just whispered one word to many.
Logically i know i don't want to smoke. I don't want to spend 10 minutes inhaling chemicals that will leave me sick and feigning. But that little devil, oh she is tricky!
She constantly is sending me a stream of messages. Taunting me! Telling me lies!
Lies like: "You don't really wanna quit", "You aren't ready", "You enjoy smoking", "Why deprive yourself of something you love", "You weren't spending that much money", "You could smoke just a few a day and be fine", and possibly the biggest of all, "You only live once why not just enjoy it instead of being miserable".
I know that these are lies, but when you are in the grips of a nicotine withdraw attack they sound perfectly logical and even quite intelligent. Then i try to reason with my own brain and tell her to shut up.
Some times this works but most often i just feel even more pathetic. Why does this have to be so damn hard. It isn't even about the cigarette itself. Its symbolic of the real problem.
Yes i am addicted to the nicotine but honestly i am addicted to the action of smoking. The alone time that it got me. The quiet time it got me. The stolen moments of relaxation. The fact that it was like a best friend who has been there for me through it all.
For 13 years cigarettes have been my best friend. Through my grandma's death, my mom's death, lost friendships, break ups, make ups, hard times, good times, celebrations, parties, and yes even quiet moments of relaxation. They were ever present and ready to hold my hand through it all.
So whats the problem? Why must i quit? Why cant this relationship just go on if its so good?
Because this relationship is like an abusive relationship. Cigarettes are literally killing me. They are beating me to a pulp and i am the abused spouse that is making excuses why i cant leave. Part of me wants to continue to make excuses until the day that the abuse goes to far and kills me, but the intelligent part of me knows that for my sake and my family's sake i have to let this relationship go.
But its hard! Its really hard! Some days are harder then others and today is a hard day.
~Courtney~
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
4 days 21 hours 4 mins...
What the fuck? Whoever on this planet decided to start up this fucking smoke train.... I say fuck you! I also say fuck you to my 13 year old self.
Yea me at 13 just smoking away, like it was cute looking like a goldfish outta water, with no regard to my almost 30 year old self going through withdrawal. Yea 13 year old Chelsie thought she was cool. I was so cool smoking Newports that I didn't even keep them in the sturdy little carton they came in, I threw them in a bag. Piles of cigarettes to be smoked recklessly.
Fast forward to today. Today was tough. I wanted a cigarette so bad. I could of ripped the throat out of any passerby today. Ripped out a throat and rolled it up and smoked it. It was hard. I found my eyes scanning the parking lot hoping someone had dropped one and been to damn lazy to pick it up. Or hell I would have been happy if someone had flipped on before it was ready, the cherry fell off, left half a cigarette and it was waiting for me in the parking lot..... What in the holy high rolling fuck am I talking about? Is this what I have been reduced to? Smoking half a cigarette that was previously smoked by who knows who? Yea I'm not above it. Are you kidding?
I walked by a guy today smoking. Well rather I walked right through his smoke cloud. His delicious smelling smoke cloud hit me right in the lungs. I felt like a fucking heroin addict. I wanted cry, laugh, inhale all at the same time. I wanted to shit on myself, my brain jumped right out of my skull and started smashing itself against the concrete. That inner voice of mine.... She sat there and laughed, just smoking and laughing. Then the bitch put her cigarette right out in my smashed brain.
I came back to reality.
It's only been 4 days since I quit and it feels like 10 mins. I feels fake, like I'm just playing a sick game with my mind.
Food....
Hand to mouth stops my craving. Yeah, my intelligent side says eat fruits and veggies when you crave. But reality says, bitch eat the peanut butter! Stick your finger into the jar for the 6th time. No ones watching!
I have been doing really well, staying under 1200 calories a day! Watching my sugar and carb intake. No fast food, no junk food, no sweets (well except peanut butter). Nothing but water. Portioning out everything. More fruits and veggies that anything. Switched to wheat pasta and substitute egg noodles where I can.
Today I fell off....... I fell off 2 ways.....
One I had fast food, only a sandwich. 2nd fail today was when I pulled around the corner and realized the Golden Arches line was 30 cars deep.... I whipped my tiny little hybrid right into Chik-fil-a's line. Yes my anti waffle fry friends. I caved. I ate a delicious chicken sandwich made with hate. I am sorry. And if it makes you feel any better I was in full regret mode when I realized it was 440 calories. If it doesn't make you feel better.....well fuck you then.
I have 3 hours until day 5.....
I may not make it
Chelsie
Yea me at 13 just smoking away, like it was cute looking like a goldfish outta water, with no regard to my almost 30 year old self going through withdrawal. Yea 13 year old Chelsie thought she was cool. I was so cool smoking Newports that I didn't even keep them in the sturdy little carton they came in, I threw them in a bag. Piles of cigarettes to be smoked recklessly.
Fast forward to today. Today was tough. I wanted a cigarette so bad. I could of ripped the throat out of any passerby today. Ripped out a throat and rolled it up and smoked it. It was hard. I found my eyes scanning the parking lot hoping someone had dropped one and been to damn lazy to pick it up. Or hell I would have been happy if someone had flipped on before it was ready, the cherry fell off, left half a cigarette and it was waiting for me in the parking lot..... What in the holy high rolling fuck am I talking about? Is this what I have been reduced to? Smoking half a cigarette that was previously smoked by who knows who? Yea I'm not above it. Are you kidding?
I walked by a guy today smoking. Well rather I walked right through his smoke cloud. His delicious smelling smoke cloud hit me right in the lungs. I felt like a fucking heroin addict. I wanted cry, laugh, inhale all at the same time. I wanted to shit on myself, my brain jumped right out of my skull and started smashing itself against the concrete. That inner voice of mine.... She sat there and laughed, just smoking and laughing. Then the bitch put her cigarette right out in my smashed brain.
I came back to reality.
It's only been 4 days since I quit and it feels like 10 mins. I feels fake, like I'm just playing a sick game with my mind.
Food....
Hand to mouth stops my craving. Yeah, my intelligent side says eat fruits and veggies when you crave. But reality says, bitch eat the peanut butter! Stick your finger into the jar for the 6th time. No ones watching!
I have been doing really well, staying under 1200 calories a day! Watching my sugar and carb intake. No fast food, no junk food, no sweets (well except peanut butter). Nothing but water. Portioning out everything. More fruits and veggies that anything. Switched to wheat pasta and substitute egg noodles where I can.
Today I fell off....... I fell off 2 ways.....
One I had fast food, only a sandwich. 2nd fail today was when I pulled around the corner and realized the Golden Arches line was 30 cars deep.... I whipped my tiny little hybrid right into Chik-fil-a's line. Yes my anti waffle fry friends. I caved. I ate a delicious chicken sandwich made with hate. I am sorry. And if it makes you feel any better I was in full regret mode when I realized it was 440 calories. If it doesn't make you feel better.....well fuck you then.
I have 3 hours until day 5.....
I may not make it
Chelsie
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Day 3....
So....
Day one sucked... I cried and laughed and cried and cried..... I was an uber bitch. Like a raging fucking lunatic. I hid in my closet like a fucking child, a bad little punished child.
Day 2 was much better.... I did cry for 30seconds, but that was it. I felt free well free'er. It's the strangest thing.
Day 3 I feel like a boss. I'm better than day 2 and like 100 times better than day 1.
I was nervous this morning though because I wanted to leave quick for work so I could get a cigarette. I wanted one and not because I needed it but only because I wanted to see how I would feel. I didn't do it!! Yay me!!
I rode my bike again this morning! I felt free! My favorite 4 year old and I rode together! I pedaled and she rode shotgun (in a baby seat, properly strapped and secure).
I got to work....I ate all of my snacks before 10:45.... I got to work at 10. Ugh..... I decided a walk was necessary! Yea that's what I'll call it. Just a leisurely stroll in the sun. Who am I kidding, I was antsy as shit, sweating, getting nervous, looking all around. I had to get up and move, I had to get out of the space. I had to kick my feign, but I tell you what if that old Newport smoking lady would of been outside I might of tackled her. But she wasn't. I didn't.
I ate good for lunch
Butter beans and a turkey and provolone, on white bread with lettuce, tomato, onion and oil and vinegar.
I chewed gum A LOT!
I walked! Every chance I have gotten today I have walked. Aimlessly, up and down streets, diagonally in crosswalks. It feels good! I missed the outside! I can smell the world!
We biked again this evening, and I made Italian baked cauliflower for dinner, although mine wasn't as pleasant looking. It tasted great and the kids went back for seconds, so it must of been the shit.
I am happy!
Oh and waist measurement today was for fun but it was 85 cm hmmm...... :)
Chelsie
Day one sucked... I cried and laughed and cried and cried..... I was an uber bitch. Like a raging fucking lunatic. I hid in my closet like a fucking child, a bad little punished child.
Day 2 was much better.... I did cry for 30seconds, but that was it. I felt free well free'er. It's the strangest thing.
Day 3 I feel like a boss. I'm better than day 2 and like 100 times better than day 1.
I was nervous this morning though because I wanted to leave quick for work so I could get a cigarette. I wanted one and not because I needed it but only because I wanted to see how I would feel. I didn't do it!! Yay me!!
I rode my bike again this morning! I felt free! My favorite 4 year old and I rode together! I pedaled and she rode shotgun (in a baby seat, properly strapped and secure).
I got to work....I ate all of my snacks before 10:45.... I got to work at 10. Ugh..... I decided a walk was necessary! Yea that's what I'll call it. Just a leisurely stroll in the sun. Who am I kidding, I was antsy as shit, sweating, getting nervous, looking all around. I had to get up and move, I had to get out of the space. I had to kick my feign, but I tell you what if that old Newport smoking lady would of been outside I might of tackled her. But she wasn't. I didn't.
I ate good for lunch
Butter beans and a turkey and provolone, on white bread with lettuce, tomato, onion and oil and vinegar.
I chewed gum A LOT!
I walked! Every chance I have gotten today I have walked. Aimlessly, up and down streets, diagonally in crosswalks. It feels good! I missed the outside! I can smell the world!
We biked again this evening, and I made Italian baked cauliflower for dinner, although mine wasn't as pleasant looking. It tasted great and the kids went back for seconds, so it must of been the shit.
I am happy!
Oh and waist measurement today was for fun but it was 85 cm hmmm...... :)
Chelsie
Day ??? ~ Courtney
I suck at life!
No seriously I suck at will power!
The diet...I'm doin great! I'm keeping my calorie count and getting my exercise. I feel good about the diet!
The no smoking...yea lets just say I'm a weak fool!
I keep letting that little devil nicotine win! I bough a pack of cigs Sunday and today (Tuesday) I will finish that pack. I keep telling myself that one pack in 3 days in better then the pack and a half I was smoking but it still isn't what I set out to do.
When I finish this pack I WILL NOT buy another. I have instructed my husband not to let me leave the house till at least Sunday. The last time I left the house I bought cigs like a crack fiend. Sneaking around, paranoid that someone would see me and report back to the others.
So I'm on lock down. I have 6 cigs left and if it kills me tomorrow I will start over again and not smoke another one.
The worst part is I feel like I let Chels down. She is 3 days smoke free and here I am puffing away. Maybe it isn't that I feel like I let her down but that I feel left behind or like a failure.
I hate failing at anything which is why I often avoid taking on a new challenge all together. Failure is the little devil that makes me give up my hopes and dreams.
I want to be smoke free! I want to spend more time with my kids and less time alone feeding my addiction. I want to taste food the way it should taste and smell aromas the way they are meant to be smelled. Most of all I want to be able to say that I am NOT a smoker.
I though by having someone push me it would be better but I guess what I've learned is that I have to push myself. I keep telling my husband I can't change his diet for him he has to want to and I guess I need to tell myself the same thing.
No one can make me quit smoking but me. I have to quit making excuses an quit lying to myself. I have to be stronger and give myself time to succeed.
I can do this! I will do this! I just gotta keep telling myself that.
No seriously I suck at will power!
The diet...I'm doin great! I'm keeping my calorie count and getting my exercise. I feel good about the diet!
The no smoking...yea lets just say I'm a weak fool!
I keep letting that little devil nicotine win! I bough a pack of cigs Sunday and today (Tuesday) I will finish that pack. I keep telling myself that one pack in 3 days in better then the pack and a half I was smoking but it still isn't what I set out to do.
When I finish this pack I WILL NOT buy another. I have instructed my husband not to let me leave the house till at least Sunday. The last time I left the house I bought cigs like a crack fiend. Sneaking around, paranoid that someone would see me and report back to the others.
So I'm on lock down. I have 6 cigs left and if it kills me tomorrow I will start over again and not smoke another one.
The worst part is I feel like I let Chels down. She is 3 days smoke free and here I am puffing away. Maybe it isn't that I feel like I let her down but that I feel left behind or like a failure.
I hate failing at anything which is why I often avoid taking on a new challenge all together. Failure is the little devil that makes me give up my hopes and dreams.
I want to be smoke free! I want to spend more time with my kids and less time alone feeding my addiction. I want to taste food the way it should taste and smell aromas the way they are meant to be smelled. Most of all I want to be able to say that I am NOT a smoker.
I though by having someone push me it would be better but I guess what I've learned is that I have to push myself. I keep telling my husband I can't change his diet for him he has to want to and I guess I need to tell myself the same thing.
No one can make me quit smoking but me. I have to quit making excuses an quit lying to myself. I have to be stronger and give myself time to succeed.
I can do this! I will do this! I just gotta keep telling myself that.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day 1 ~ Courtney
I gave myself a pep talk last night before i fell asleep. For that matter i am pretty sure i fell asleep while still pep talking lol.
I told myself that tomorrow no matter what i would be in a good mood. I would use restraint and will power. I would do what i knew to be right even if it was not what i wanted in the least!
So how did that go you are asking?
It sucked! Anyone who knows me knows i am a coffee addict! So starting a morning without coffee is like a crack addict who cant find a rock! But i pushed past the want and need and fixed my kids pancakes.
Pancakes with butter and syrup! Pancakes with butter and syrup that i didn't get to eat any of!!!! But I'm not a big pancake fan so its all good! I ate half a grapefruit and a small banana.
I intended to eat about every 2 hours so that i could make sure i was getting enough. And i would have accomplished that had i been able to stay awake long enough. It seems that with no coffee my body wanted nothing to do with waking up and staying awake.
I slept on and off all day long. I did eat. I ate lots of stuff. All raw, all caffeine free, and all without a cigarette.
Then i had to go to the store. This is where the problem for me began.
I cheated! I smoked a cigarette! To explain further, or i guess try to make excuses, i had a migraine that i thought was caused by the lack of nicotine so i smoked. Turns out my body didn't want the cigarette! It made the migraine worse.
So after we decided to make some changes to our diet plan and came up with this:
Fruit and veggies during the day and a small healthy portioned meal for dinner. I can have coffee in the mornings but only a cup or 2 and it will count towards my overall calorie count.
After dinner to see if i could relieve my migraine i fixed a cup of coffee and guess what? Migraine gone! Plus i am a much happier person! It also didn't trigger my need for a cigarette like i thought it would!
For dinner i did have the most amazing salad thought! Spinach and romaine with strawberries, avocado, and a pinch of mozzarella with balsamic vinegar! So good!!!
So here is to tomorrow! Staying strong and even more will power!
~Courtney~
I told myself that tomorrow no matter what i would be in a good mood. I would use restraint and will power. I would do what i knew to be right even if it was not what i wanted in the least!
So how did that go you are asking?
It sucked! Anyone who knows me knows i am a coffee addict! So starting a morning without coffee is like a crack addict who cant find a rock! But i pushed past the want and need and fixed my kids pancakes.
Pancakes with butter and syrup! Pancakes with butter and syrup that i didn't get to eat any of!!!! But I'm not a big pancake fan so its all good! I ate half a grapefruit and a small banana.
I intended to eat about every 2 hours so that i could make sure i was getting enough. And i would have accomplished that had i been able to stay awake long enough. It seems that with no coffee my body wanted nothing to do with waking up and staying awake.
I slept on and off all day long. I did eat. I ate lots of stuff. All raw, all caffeine free, and all without a cigarette.
Then i had to go to the store. This is where the problem for me began.
I cheated! I smoked a cigarette! To explain further, or i guess try to make excuses, i had a migraine that i thought was caused by the lack of nicotine so i smoked. Turns out my body didn't want the cigarette! It made the migraine worse.
So after we decided to make some changes to our diet plan and came up with this:
Fruit and veggies during the day and a small healthy portioned meal for dinner. I can have coffee in the mornings but only a cup or 2 and it will count towards my overall calorie count.
After dinner to see if i could relieve my migraine i fixed a cup of coffee and guess what? Migraine gone! Plus i am a much happier person! It also didn't trigger my need for a cigarette like i thought it would!
For dinner i did have the most amazing salad thought! Spinach and romaine with strawberries, avocado, and a pinch of mozzarella with balsamic vinegar! So good!!!
So here is to tomorrow! Staying strong and even more will power!
~Courtney~
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